My journey pt II

Onwards in my quest of healing. I want to share with you some links I found helpful in unraveling my past and how to learn to cope with the future: http://luke173ministries.org/ this site offers some insights in how abusers work and why society normally will be inclined to support the abuser over you. I shamelessly snooped around like an autistic person having found a new special interest. If you are christian I think the first link does an excellent job in picking apart the idiotic brainwash we get fed at every other turn. And if you aren’t (I am neither, hey there) it still might be helpful if you live in a society influenced by christian values and it also does a nice job explaining how one abusive family does what they do best and why it is wrong and it highlights a mindset which I consider much more healthy as an alternative. Personally I do not feel any pressure to convert to anything while reading it. Of course they claim Christ as their saviour and their source of strength but I think the bottom line is everyone needs a source of strength. What exactly that is is optional. What I don’t like in this site (and the next one) is how much they demonise the abuser. They seem to be in two minds about it, on the one hand narcissism is a choice and thus they demand full responsibility but on the other hand narcissists are UNABLE to change and that is the reason to walk away. I don’t think both can work. If a parent is abusive (and there is more ways to be abusive than being narcissistic, lets take that step backwards) they may well be unable to be any other way. That leads to the harsh truth of them maybe having provided genetic material necessary for your existence but never actually having been parents. I see no reason to condemn anyone for an inability beyond their capacity of change. Either they feel the pain of loosing a child in some way then they may be able to consider the childs needs and limited contact is possible. No need to demonise. However normally abusive parents either feel no loss or the loss of an object rather than a person. If they are that beyond emotional bonding they have in all reasonable and unreasonable likelihood always been that way and that will never change. It’s not their choice anymore than it’s a choice to be blind when you have no eyes. They lack the ability to bond in such a pervasive way that it can’t be taught to them neither are they likely to feel any inclination to learn. You need to walk away from them obviously but I personally see no need to personify them as the (d)evil. I also wonder if the current interpretation of what narcissists are able and unable to understand is right. As in, sure a narcissist will tell you cutting someone off in traffic is wrong. That does not necessarily mean they can distinguish right from wrong. It matters why one things this is wrong? Is this wrong because other people may think less of me if I do it or is it wrong because I’m displaying hurtful behaviour to the one I’m cutting off? That’s a fundamental difference that might well go a LONG way of explaining why narcissists “know what is right from what is wrong” and still do “wrong” things. Or to rephrase the question: is it wrong to cut someone off in traffic if no one is around to see it? As I understand it narcissists are rather adept at swaying public opinion in their favour. Would you favour someone who says they think its right to hurt people when no one is around to see it? Narcissists know that you are extremely unlikely to. And I think to them that’s a much more important underlying motivation when answering such a question than the moral intrications of right and wrong. They know what you think is right and wrong because they need to manipulate you. Fat chance doing that without knowing what makes you tick, what makes group tick and who one needs to impress the most. So all in all I’m not sure narcissists know right from wrong. They sure as hell know what other people consider right and wrong and make sure they get away with what others they deem worthy of sucking up to perceive as wrong. But regardless of whether they know and ignore it or are unable to, the consequences you should put in place for their hurtful behaviour do not change. http://lightshouse.org/ the lovely part of this site is how it aims for getting you the best help possible by detailing personality disorders which likely lead parents to become abusive towards their offspring. Thus you know where to look for further help / people who went through similar experiences. I highly recommend snooping around on this as well to find some arguments and views to counterbalance the sick mindset of abusive parents. For me personally I might be in denial, my obviously not working memory is a huge hindrance and whatnot. Either way I recognised many abusive thought patterns my parents have on the page but no full blown personality disorder applicable to either of my parents. Sure my mother was perfectionistic beyond reason and rather did all the housework herself than even ask me to do it, because she neither had the empathy nor the energy to teach me anything. Since I never got it right enough I’d ask question and since I’m a bright person I loved to get to the bottom of things anyway. So she just stopped engaging me in the household at all very early on. (I learned how to do dishes as a late teenager from a stray comment of a neighbour and how to do laundry in my 20s when I realised washing black and white clothing simultaneously is not a good idea by another stray comment, ironically from my mother herself. I taught myself to cook with cookbooks and instructions printed on articles of food. And from there I diversified my skills to such an extreme that I cook many international cuisines rather self assuredly and never had any complaints but the occasional compliment (I’m not fishing for it). So I don’t lack skill or willingness. Just to give you an idea how even the most basic household tasks were not something accessible to me. For some reason mother taught me how to iron at age 12 ish tho.) But my mother never micromanaged. I was too much work so she didn’t do any and just left me to myself. Hand me down clothing and no hobbies that require money or transportation. And she would nag my appearance, especially my clothing (which reeked abandonment and worn downness) and my (seriously unorganised) room but never teach me anything about how to appropriately dress or clean or organise. But she let me withdraw from it all rather than to force things on me. (She occasionally cleaned my room, even when I was a teenager, complete with peeking in my diary, but she knew this was wrong. Didn’t stop her from doing it.) There was no letter of the law approach from her, no extreme adherence to rule systems (that’s her oldest sister). I also never saw hoarding of either money nor things, but she frequently was annoyed at my fathers spending habits (who indeed sometimes were like I want it, I buy it, its not like there are three other people in his immediate family, of course mom gets to lecture us on saving electricity and water but hey in COMPLETELY unrelated news dad has his shiny new motorbike/camera.) There were also never any plans I may have been able to adhere to. I also never felt my mother focused on production, efficiency, rules or work but that may be my lack of memory or withdrawnness. So maybe there is a OCPD there. But lo and behold my parents never are one dimensional, mother took medication which made her emotionally unstable. I never knew why I was disciplined or when the same action would lead to brutal hitting or isolation or just ignorance. (Isolation wasn’t in itself and issue, given I’m a bookish, introspective autistic person but the sense of my parents do not want to deal with me hurt.) So there is some medication induced borderline qualities. And there is a complete lack of empathy or any understanding at all about what children require (both material wise and emotionally). And the resulting issues were all squarely placed on the shoulders of the child. It was somehow my fault I was hungry or lovesick or whatever. And if I messed up (which tends to happen, even with mentoring) mother was queen of interpreting it as a way to purposefully hurt or annoy her. (My IQ test, done on my parents request came back with scores that obviously meant I intentionally got a high score ONLY to undermine my mothers authority. So even doing a test my parents asked me to do and doing good is messing up. Guess how well my complete inability to have a clean room went down…) I sense some ego issues or even narcissism here. But my mother never used me enough, gloated enough, was out for narcissistic supply enough to make me empathise deeply with accounts of other peoples narcissistic mothers. Then again the accounts I read where normally from people who were used as means to get narcissistic supply. I was ignored. Which seems to be the other road narcissists potentially go with children. But inbetween the ignorance, the blaming, the guilt tripping and the manipulation there was always the self blaming of my mother. As in it was either my fault or hers but either way these were means to beat up whoever was deemed responsible, there was never any interest in changing anything. It was about blaming and hurting people. She wasn’t consistently a god in her own mind and could do no wrong. Only often. And she never considered herself anything special (even on occasions when she was), good looking or intelligent. She even worked very hard to pass this sense of unremarkability on to me. And let it be known, brains and looks run in the family. My sense of dressing is still painfully neglectful but I know I met many of our current cultures ways to measure attractiveness. I’m sure so did my mother. And brains I have in such ridiculous quantities its impossible for my mother not to have had any. But all she sees is her school career being cut short by a severe illness which no one thought she’d even survive. And now her lack of education (which is very understandable in the circumstances and obviously did not stem from unwillingness) is twisted into a lack of intelligence. Sad. I never showed much pain, I knew better than letting on i felt stuff. Feelings were one of the most violent threats to my parents. What she saw was a projection. I don’t think she had a habit of actually looking at me. Mom much preferred spending her time creating or rolling in drama, projecting some need on one child and getting the other to fulfil the nonexistent need. Lamenting about her terrible childhood (which by all accounts I have was indeed not very rosy) or about how terribly disobedient, hurtful and downright evil her children are. And if I was so upset over what my mother did why don’t I go to the local orphanage? (I’m assuming that was her acknowledging her selfhate in a very unique way and voicing her worst fear, loosing control over her lump of clay.) Or how much she worked for us to get help and how nothing paid off. Especially in my case, my sibling got some medication for ADHD and got some attention for having a deficit, something my parents were not threatened by. But I got progressively worse and my mother was set on gaining some sympathy for her failing efforts (she really did try to help me, but only by getting others to fix me, rather than reflecting and acknowledging problems or short fallings of her own) Mostly I was the proverbial lump of clay but I was a very uncooperative lump (which of course means broken in my parents mind. Another reason to shame me.) So that is mother. Now I belong to the seemingly rarer and rarer breed of people who only have full siblings and were living under the same roof as both of their biological parents until they came off age. Meaning my father was a constant reminder of what dysfunction looks like as well. I have intentionally avoided the word presence, because what describes father the most was being absent. No explaining homework, no building anything together, no joined games outside christmas (courtesy of mums bullying), no sizing up partners to see how they do, no live advice, actually lets just take a shortcut: no sign of recognition I am in fact existing unless I annoyed him. Given he barely acknowledged much about his surroundings that didn’t happen remotely as often as it did with mother. My punishment for annoying him was even more violent ignorance. My father at one point did not speak with me or look at me for weeks and I don’t think I know why (I can’t remember, lovely memory) or I may have have known and have heavily disagreed over whether or not what I did was wrong and thus refused to bow and scratch to to go back to normal ignorance again. My resolve from young childhood to not let him get the better of me was very much alive and kicking. I have attempted to reach out to father sometimes. Spending time with him doing what he was interested in. Like sitting next to him while he played with some or other machine. I knew I was to never speak or even worse give ideas what to do different. My father wanted to cling to his delusion of knowing better and being able to do things alone. So I sat somewhere moderately comfortable and we spend hours in silence, him glued to his quest and me alternating my attention between the quest and him but knowing my presence was not wanted and highlighting my presence was again met with this violent version of ignorance. I couldn’t even name one single thing father did that was hurtful. He just seemed to have an air of disapproval, distance, coldance around him that was impenetrable and he did not want it disturbed anyway. It’s hard to describe it and impossible to name if someone asks you why you have difficulties with your father. And somehow he could increase the disapproval radiating off of him. Lighthouse does not seem to offer much in terms of how to classify him. Avoidant to me yes, towards me alone his behaviour may well be classified psychopathic, but he studied and held jobs requiring human interaction, moderately successful he didn’t break laws or abused substances. From the outside my father was an engaging, funny person you’d want to drink you bottle of wine with. He had a limited number of friends but he was interested and able to maintain a friendship. So some narcissism for his complete lack of empathy and his self righteousness maybe as well. For some reason lighthouse does not detail type a personality disorders, so here you are: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder#Cluster_A_.28odd_disorders.29 of all I read, schizoid personality disorder seems to fit him the most. But I myself have been diagnosed with it and I know I have very deep emotions and passions. I just don’t dare showing them, especially not to strangers prone to judging me. Neither of us is considered bland in personality or humourless. The most obscure thing my father occupies himself with is whether the oil industry blocked cars from being fuelled with other substances and how far the Nazis were with their technology. Dunno if the diagnostic criteria are as self righteous as they are when it comes to autism (who have no empathy… apparently, who do I need to plot my very unemphatic revenge against?) and again also possibility of denial. Also I wonder if high intelligence or autism tampers with personality disorders. I’d imagine narcissists might become more sneaky with increasing intelligence for example and harder to spot but maybe not who knows. And since autistic people are harder to manipulate maybe even a narcissist would not be able to turn me into their little puppet. I’d love to know others experiences.

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One thought on “My journey pt II

  1. Pingback: My journey pt III | rootless introspection

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