Today I am going to become terribly unpopular with my opinion probably. So let’s go for it and tackle the question of if its the fault of a victim that they were victimised. First off let’s get the differentiation right. This is NOT about the short skirt and rape or being slightly less focused as you should and then have to face dramatic consequences like a child abducted or a crippling car accident. I will go into detail about such victim shaming later but NO this is NOT the fault of the victim as the action they did is VASTLY uncorrelated to the negativity of the outcome. Not every short skirt equals rape and not every answered phone call means your little tyke disappears forever. Simple as that. No this is about something much more devious. The effects of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse leads you to think less of yourself, to not accept things done for you (because in your mind you are not worth it), engage in some version of self harming behaviour, to have poor boundaries and if it was long term emotional abuse you likely lost or never developed a sense of healthy relationships. So who do you attract in such a state? and . By now you might see what I am aiming for. Emotional abuse leads people to relive their emotional abuse, to recreate trauma inducing situations. Often this is because in general humans are pathetically poorly educated about emotional abuse and have no awareness what they are doing. Since you are reading this blog I’m going to make a giant logical leap and write it’s within the realm of possibilities you posses some version of awareness about some interpersonal troubles in your life. Why, yes thank you I’m a genius. So my readership may or may not have begun to erode the fundament of not knowing. I’m intending to contribute to that. Here is the thing: once you are an adult you generally are responsible for the choices you make. That’s how being off age works. So if you keep being in abusive relationships you might need to seriously reconsider your decision making there. Yes you may have learnt to have poor boundaries, to never voice any concerns and to not ask for help. But here is the deal: no one will know how to not cross your boundaries if you do not show where they are in some way. If you repeatedly get hurt by people some work on your part might be necessary to stop allowing people to hurt you. Especially if this is against what you think is right. At the end of the day if you think it’s right to do and not do and say and not say things that are logically and irrefutably connected to you ending up hurt you think it’s right that you get hurt. So you get hurt. Surprise. Even bigger surprise: the people surrounding you at this stage do not have any way to fix this. It’s up to you. The kind people will walk away because they do not like repeatedly hurting people. So the ones staying will be the ones who do not mind hurting you. That’s how you get stuck with abusers all the time. Once the abuser exploits your weak or non existent boundaries and takes advantage of you, it’s obvious that they carry some of the blame for you being abused. But in the end the key to free you from the prison of abuse is in your hands. Your biggest obstacle is not your abuser, it’s your fear. And believe me, I’m in the cell next to yours. I know all this, I am aware of the key, of my fears, of where the true battle needs to be fought and it’s still damn hard. Knowing all this won’t make the abusers miraculously disappear. A deep change in behaviour, view of self and others and a fight against one’s biggest weaknesses is necessary to get out of that nice little cycle. Personally I’m equally kind and patient with myself and simultaneously very hard on myself. Kind and patient because I know this takes time and I do not expect results within the month. Hard on myself because I do not feel it right to complain when I’m playing a pivotal part of bringing the misery into my life. For the abusers in my life complaining will not change anything and the non abusers can not change anything. I need to acknowledge that I should be worth more than that and leave. So no complaining to others. I could only rightfully complain to myself and that’s a toxic loop I do not wish to nurture.