My pleading for the next generation: unlikely reasons why getting help is important

This is kind of a follow up post to . It’s about what naturally happens if you do not see your own part in this sick dance that is the abusive cycle as people in such situations often and naturally do. This means you never learn about what makes a victim a victim. You continue not voicing your needs, not accepting kindness, feeling low on yourself, cultivating bad communication habits, keep being hurt and thus in stressful situations and having nonconstructive reactions to that increased stress. Now it should be obvious that you are your own victim. You are abusing yourself even if you may have cut off the worst abusers. They may have disappeared but they left their brainwashing, their poison behind. If you do not detox it stays and wreaks havoc. So not breaking the cycle of abuse is hurting you. Well you say in a self aware fashion: I have low self esteem, so what if I am hurting myself it’s only me. Good point. You are free to do and not do to yourself whatever you wish. You are also free to do and not do to others whatever pleases you unless you break laws. However staying a victim means inside you are that beaten and abused dog ready to lash out at everyone and everything, regardless of their motivation. That’s what you do under stress. You are not making well reasoned decisions. So this is where things get funny. You do not “only” hurt yourself. Think about it: if you do not voice your needs you will sadden the ones wanting to meet them. They want to help they see you in pain and they want to make it better. Have you ever been in such a situation? Do you now the helplessness of not being able to do anything? Now you are the one holding the key. You can nicely ask to maybe crash their flat for the night because you do not feel safe at home. Ask for a cup of tea or a hug or whatever it is that will help you. If nothing else you might at least ask them to stay. Because normally our pain is already lessened when we experience not being left alone with it. Of course some requests may need to be turned down but I find generally people are quite helpful and happy to do so. Of course this clashes with the view of yourself. The truth is you are worthless to yourself but not necessarily to others. But the others who do value you likely can not bear seeing you in pain all the time and not do anything. So if you turn them down often enough they will leave. This is the most low key pain you inflict on loved ones by not getting help. You can’t help it much in the beginning and you are too caught up in yourself to do much about it. But thinking about it from the perspective of someone genuinely wanting to help might help you reevaluate your view of yourself and help in the long term. The more terrifying effects of abuse are that a scared dog bites. Bites hurt. So you abuse others in return for your unresolved issues. You are becoming the abuser by having a low tolerance of stress and being in a stressful situation. Thus you are yelling, lashing out, withdrawing, putting other people down. Likely you will adopt the techniques of your abusers since that is what you know best. You are becoming your own personal nightmare. And it takes time to get there. Decades. I’m seeing it happen around me all the time. I’m seeing how my poor communication habits hurt people. How I need to learn not to hurt people because I’m hurt. It’s scary. That is why abuse happens in cycles. And as adults each and everyone of us is responsible for breaking out of it and owning our own shit.

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