Facing fears or how to turn autodestruction into construction

Rumors of my demise have been a wild exaggeration of the truth! I’m back everyone 🙂 Life has been really … intense these last weeks and I want to tell you all about how I heeded my own advice.

I have been starting to see a new therapist recently. The last time I was in a psychiatric institution for an prolonged stretch of time ended with me being lied and manipulated, heavily medicated with the apparent goal of making as much money off me as they could with absolutely no regard for whether or not I would even survive the treatment. You might be surprised to learn I’m not fond of therapists. But I think seeing one would offer a great benefit for me, provided that they actually do help me instead of trying to switch me off because they have no idea what the senator they should do with me.

So I wrote to various therapists and two institutions. There is only one therapist in town that specialised in trauma and they have a waiting list 18 months long. Very motivating. One institution had the following exchange with me:

Me: Hi people, I am very sick and cant do certain things, I also have had bad experiences with people like you, thus I have borders I do not wish to see crossed if I ever am to develop trust in someone of your profession again.

Them: We do not care what you can and can’t do, if we are to heal you from your sickness you are to  do this our way because this is how things are done. Check if that is possible for you.

I have not wrote back. I must have misplaced their email address and always develop spontaneous and selective blindness when the “reply” button under the eMail is concerned. Or they might as well have asked someone with amputated legs to walk up the stairs unaided because this is how one gets a prosthetic limb. Mind you ALL my issues are tightly related to mental health and I am writing to people who deal with mentally injured and sick all day every day.

They display blatant unwillingness to even acknowledge my issues at all. It’s horrifying to think that this is how they treat their patients. It’s one of the reasons why I am not very apologetic about these borders. People like them made me erect them, they will not siphon money out of me while putting me in danger and get to call this healing and pat their egos about what helpful people they are.

Thankfully the second institution is more flexible. I shook in fear before I saw the therapist for the first time, could not sleep until 7am the “night” before and eating wasn’t all that much of an option either. But I did it, because I am beginning to work on not hurting myself anymore and not being hostage to my own fears. I want to develop healthy habits. So I am gonna hurt myself by doing things I am mortally afraid of which should help my situation overall. This shall become the pain I inflict on myself confronting my fears instead of beating myself up over the things I can’t do. At least that’s the theory.

The therapist is pathologically preoccupied with getting me to talk instead of write to him and shows alarming nonchalance about how we could just try and see how it goes once I am a permanent resident in his institution. Which of course entails a regime I can not follow for multiple mental health related issues as I have been pointing out to him already. Let’s see how it all goes from there. I hope he gets that he can not make so many decisions for me all at once such as when I get up and how many therapies a day I should participate in without taking into account my personal history at all.

I also do not share his enthusiam about “finding people like me” in group therapy. Yes they have mental health issues like me. Mostly they are anorexic. Something I suspect I am in danger of developing if I do not watch my back. Obsessing over food will NOT help, nor do I suspect to find many autistic people with a university degree among them. I’m more than just a mentally injured person.

I have not fit in with a bunch of people with fundamental body image problems before. As with everyone I can emphasise and offer help and end up feeling as always: like I’m the one who has good ideas for everyone and doesn’t get anything back for it… I do not blame anyone personally for this. That’s the cross you bear when being very intelligent. Intelligence is about problem solving abilities. Given the large gap between me and most other people I will normally be the one with the brilliant idea. But I do not go to a mental health institution to help everyone else.

The good thing about the therapist is that he listens a lot and doesn’t judge and accepts that my teddy, my sunglasses and writing equipment are mandatory parts of the therapy session and that there is no way we could start before 10 am. It’s very silent there and I feel almost accepted and I might learn to feel safe there. Last time I wrote him about how I can pretend everything is fine. How I do not know what is going on with me and have this toxic tendency to fall back into the pattern of pretending because this is all I ever knew. I hope he got it.

Speaking of things hopefully improving: since I often do not have the energy to shop or prepare food I am going to start drinking liquid food made by companies who normally feed these to people having cancer or similarly terrible health issues. One is even advertised as being astronaut food. I just ordered 48 bottles which I hope will make my life much easier than it has been. I intend to write the company to ask for liquid food specifically for depressed people.

The biggest part of heeding my own advice was certainly dealing with my partner these recent weeks. Namely not taking their abuse anymore. I can tell you an excuse for everything they did but in the end it came down to a very ugly fight. After months of increasing distrust and hurt on my side which was never addressed and them claiming they did not know what they did wrong and defending themselves on and on and on over issues I did not even consider all that hurtful I worked up a LOT of courage, fought with many past demons and tried to tell myself my worst fears wouldn’t come true.

I was afraid of them lashing out, gaslighting, minimising, denying, shaming, blaming, being hostile and very accusing. What actually happened was they were lashing out, gaslighting, minimising, denying, shaming, blaming, being hostile and very accusing. When one looked very very VERY closely there was the tiniest speck of understanding buried between the venom spat at me. But I’m tired of always looking for this tiny fraction when I try my damnest to offer as much understanding in reverse situations as possible. Granted I am far from good at this but I like to think it’s visible without a magnifying glass or autistic eagle eye vision. On a regular basis.

I’m also tired of comforting my partner after they treated me this way. Because after such a tirade I often go offline to deescalate. Accompanied of course with more blame, shame and accusations. Apparently I need to sort out their issues with how his expartners did this to them to manipulate them. I am also to somehow sort these issues out without the help of my partner who actually has them. Sure. Because I am a miracle worker.

The next day will always see my partner self flagellating and in the past I have been comforting them over they pain they had over what they said without discussing what was said, without receiving an apology or any indication they were aware at all that there is a second person in this relationship who has feelings too. One of the things they denied was not having empathy. They made a flaming argument for their case.

I’m gonna be honest, I have a sixth sense with people which tells me where they stand and where they could stand. I’m notoriously good at falling in love with what people could be. I though my partner and I had a pact to heal together but after two year I do not see much progress or willingness from him, just excuses, reasons, hold ups and vague promises things will get better and statements about them needing time. I thought I was strong enough for this. I promised our deceased dog I will live up to his legacy. I can’t.

I am rather heartbroken over this because at the end of the day I do love this person. I still see who they could be and I can’t imagine anyone better for myself. End of last year they had a major aha moment and has been developing leaps and bounds towards being that person. Sadly not yet in the relationship department. I hope they do have a second aha moment later in their life and become this awesome person. The world needs people like this. But I can not carry their burden until then when mine is still so heavy. I now need to find out who *I* am, independent of my codependency issues. It’s hard. I keep having psychosomatic issues. Pain so bad I’m crying from it, inability to control my limps, spasms…

I want to run back to him so badly. Everytime I see a picture of the dog I begin to apologise profusely in my head. He chose me for this. And I let him down. At the moment a part of me desperately wishes my expartner will realise what went wrong and come back at some later point. I do not even think he has the capacity to do this on his own, without said dog and me. But I need to put me first, take care of myself, else I’m gonna drown before we both can swim properly.

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